Wednesday 14 March 2012

King of the Zombies


"Who died and made you f***ing king of the zombies?"  (Shaun of the Dead)

My biggest fear is a zombie apocalypse. I'm not kidding, a sort of virus like that is almost plausible. I keep thinking that with other sorts of doomsday I'd have had a fighting chance but with the living dead I know I would be joining them in a matter of days. I'd either be hiding in my house until I starve or be making a suicidal dash to see my friends or boyfriend one last time and end up eaten.

I'm five foot three inches and weigh under eight stone. I can hardly lift an axe, let alone swing it. A child zombie could overpower me.  Realistically most of us around here would be dead; perhaps places like America with their surplus of guns would have more of a chance but if you were close enough to a zombie to stick a bread knife in it, it'd already have taken a bite out of you. Throwing a knife might work but that is only a skill you'd be proficient in with training. Chances are if I lobbed a knife at you, the handle would connect with your chest and it'd just bounce off. It's never as easy as it looks in the movies.

I also know with a depressing certainty that if a friend or family member got infected I'd not be able to do them in. I'd sit and cry until they succumbed to the disease and started chewing on me. Either that or I'd be the one who gets bitten, doesn't tell anyone and ends up turning on everyone five minutes before the end of the film. I obviously wouldn't be doing anything heroic, and I doubt you would be either. I might be being harsh - I know this sort of disaster would bring out the best, as well as the worst, in people. In all seriousness though, we'd all like to think we were that guy with the chainsaw, making a last stand against a sea of zombies, when actually we'd just be that random zombie in the horde.

My saving grace might be those friends of mine who have been killing zombies in assorted games for years and years. I feel I should point out however that in reality you wouldn't start an apocalypse with such an impressive arsenal of weapons as on a game. Also you only get one life.

I think in future I will start carrying around a nice heavy handled walking stick at all times and keep a constant store of tins of baked beans and tomato soup, just in case.



One last thing, if I have to be infected, I want to be a 'Left 4 Dead' Witch. Sitting around bawling, then going mental if you disturb me, suits me down to the ground. It's probably what I'd do during a zombie invasion as it is.  

2 comments:

  1. Ha! I loved this, particularly the Left 4 Dead ref at the bottom - but aren't you already a delusional witch?
    And I agree we probably would be part of the horde, and knowing our luck, our boyfriends that know how to kill zombies wouldn't pay proper attention and kill us all by accident :P

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    1. I think I'd get killed by my boyfriend 'for my own good' way before the zombies get me. :P

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